It’s tough being a parent, navigating the varied aspects of raising a little human and all the other things life throws at you. Hearing negative self-talk from your child can be upsetting and often confronting. You may feel overwhelmed and unsure how to respond and best support your child. It’s important to know that you’re not alone and many parents experience their child talking in these ways at some point. We are here to help you navigate these challenges; here are some tips on how to get through these times with a little more ease.
Where to start
It is helpful to recognise any common themes or patterns (often referred to as cognitive distortions) that show up in your child’s negative self-talk. It can even be helpful to point these patterns out to your child using non-judgemental and age-appropriate language. Common cognitive distortions include:
Overgeneralisations: Drawing conclusions based on single experiences or feelings.
- Example: “I’m not good at anything.” in response to small mistakes.
Catastrophising: Over exaggeration of worries and worst-case scenario thinking (magnification) or minimising positive experiences and diminishing positive qualities (minimisation).
- Example: “I am so stupid. I am never going to pass any of my classes and will be a failure for the rest of my life.” in response to a failing grade on an exam.
Personalisation and Blame: Taking things personally and/or taking on responsibility for events outside of their control.
- Example: “If I was good, mum and dad would be happy.” in response to perceived parental conflict.
It is important to recognise when negative self-talk is expressed and how it is responded to. If your child’s use of negative self-talk results in you caving on established rules or boundaries, you may be reinforcing this behaviour as an effective strategy for achieving preferred outcomes (e.g., avoiding disliked tasks or receiving increased attention).
When your child is expressing negative self-talk, identify and acknowledge the feeling(s) being expressed rather than the words. Helping your child to identify these underlying feelings can support them to separate feelings and challenges from their self-worth and implement effective coping strategies.
- Example: “I am so stupid. I am never going to pass any of my classes and will be a failure for the rest of my life.” Possible feelings include disappointment, frustration, and fear.
Validate these feelings with non-judgemental statements to support your child to effectively identify and express their emotions in future.
- Example: “Those are some very big feelings; I am so glad you are sharing them with me”.
Promote open dialogue about negative self-talk, such as collaborative brainstorming about your child’s underlying fears and challenges. Support your child to identify and practice effective coping strategies to manage these feelings, such as:
- Taking 5 deep breaths.
- Counting to 10.
- Taking a break.
- Using the 5-4-3-2-1 Technique: Identify 5 things you can see, 4 things you can hear, 3 things you can touch, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste.
- Talking about your feelings with a trusted person (e.g., parent or best friend).
Give your child praise to support their development of a strong and stable self-image. Ideally, praise should be specific, such as acknowledging resilience, hard work, or the application of a specific skill.
- Example: Rather than utilising a broad praise statement like “Great job!” you could say “I can see you’re trying super hard to finish that puzzle. You’re not giving up easily!” or “You did a great job using your math facts to solve this problem.”
Normalise mistakes, challenges, and negative emotions by openly discussing your own experiences and times that you have faced and overcome difficult situations using age-appropriate language and examples.
Support your child to think about situations in a balanced way. You could do this by playing pretend, such as a courtroom where you are the judge and your child acts as the defence and prosecution, proving evidence for both sides of the situation or belief.
Note: If this is an activity that your child finds challenging, it may be helpful to practice with hypothetical situations.
You can also support your child to think in a balanced way by transforming their negative self-talk into an encouraging, growth-promoting statement. For example, “I can’t do this” becomes “I can’t do this yet”.
Negative self-talk is not something that you and your child have to navigate alone. If you are interested in additional assistance to better understand and support your child, please call Breakfree Psychology Services on 0479 149 277 or submit an online enquiry for a confidential discussion about your individual needs.