Everyone experiences anger from time to time. It's a natural emotion that signals when we—or something/someone we value—has been harmed or treated unfairly. Anger often arises when we feel threatened or when our goals are blocked, acting as a coping mechanism that drives quick and decisive action, particularly in urgent situations where there's no time for careful reflection. Anger can also inspire us to solve problems, achieve objectives, and eliminate threats. In this way, anger plays a protective role and isn’t inherently negative. However, anger is a complex emotion and often appears in unhelpful ways in peoples’ lives—especially when they feel an exaggerated need for protection, direct their anger toward inappropriate targets, or use it in ways that undermine their long-term well-being. This leads to what is known as problem anger.
Given its many layers, anger is often misunderstood, prompting important questions: How should we view anger? What guidance should we offer others in how to approach it? It has been of popular belief that expressing anger freely is the healthiest option—but is that really true? People may say they can’t control their anger or that it’s simply in their genes—but is there solid evidence for these claims? Below are some common myths about anger, along with factual responses you can use to help yourself and guide others to see the value in learning to manage problem anger effectively.
Myth 1: “Anger is inherited.”
Fact: Some people may believe that because their father had a quick temper, they’ve simply inherited that trait and there’s nothing they can do about it. This perspective suggests that anger is a fixed and unchangeable pattern of behaviour. However, research indicates that anger expression is largely learned. If someone has grown up around aggressive role models—such as parents—they may have picked up those behaviours. The good news is that, just as unhealthy expressions of anger can be learned, so too can healthier, more constructive, and socially appropriate ways of managing it.
Myth 2: “Anger, aggression, and intimidation earn me respect and help me get my way.”
Fact: While aggressive behaviour may provoke fear, it doesn’t foster genuine respect. People are unlikely to admire or value someone who lacks self-control or who shuts down differing opinions through intimidation. In contrast, respectful and assertive communication is far more effective in encouraging others to listen and respond positively. Although using anger or intimidation might bring short-term results, it undermines the trust and connection needed to build the meaningful relationships many clients ultimately seek in therapy.
Myth 3: “Anger and aggression are the same thing.”
Fact: This is not true. Anger is an internal emotional experience, while aggression is a behaviour—and the two are not synonymous. While aggression can sometimes result from anger, many people experience anger without acting aggressively. In fact, it’s common for individuals to express anger in healthy, non-violent ways, such as through assertive communication or emotional regulation strategies. Research even suggests that most instances of anger in daily life do not lead to aggression.
According to the “I³ Model” (pronounced “I-cubed”), aggression arises from the interaction of three key factors:
- Instigation: A triggering event that provokes an urge to aggress—this could range from being insulted to discovering infidelity, or even minor irritants like being cut off in traffic.
- Impellance: Forces that amplify the urge to react aggressively. These might include biological factors (like hormone surges), personal beliefs (e.g., that disrespect must be punished), or cultural norms encouraging immediate retaliation.
- Inhibition: Restraining influences that discourage aggression, such as social norms, concern about consequences, or the ability to empathize and take another’s perspective.
Myth 4: “Other people make me angry.”
Fact: Phrases like “He made me so angry” or “You make me so mad I could scream” are common in everyday speech. While people may occasionally say that others make them happy or sad, this kind of language is most frequently used in relation to anger. The problem is that it frames anger as something others do to us—stripping away our own responsibility for how we respond. This way of thinking can enable people to justify inappropriate behaviour by blaming others for “causing” their anger.
In reality, it’s not someone else’s actions—or even their intentions—that directly cause our anger. Rather, it’s our interpretation of those actions or intentions that triggers the emotional response. Recognizing this distinction helps clients reclaim agency and opens the door to more constructive ways of managing anger.
Myth 5: “When I’m angry, I speak my true mind.”
Fact: This is seldom accurate. Outbursts of uncontrolled anger are typically aimed at asserting power or causing emotional harm, rather than communicating one’s genuine thoughts or deeper truths. In the heat of anger, people often say things they don’t truly mean—or express them in ways that distort their real intentions.
If you have noticed you are experiencing difficulties in managing anger, why not give us a call today? Our team of highly skilled and well-experienced Psychologists are here to help. Call us now and take that first step towards obtaining the life you deserve.’